There’s a lot going on in my life right now. Judge me. I don’t care. I just need to rant.
I feel like everyones mad at me for reasons I had no/minimal control over.
I had a boyfriend freshman year. I never really got over him. No matter how much I convinced myself that I did, I never did. I wish I did. My life would be a lot less crazy. Me and this guy broke up we have hooked up about twice a year. Whether it was trying again, random, or drunk. You cant put the two of us alone together and expect nothing to happen. You just cant. Theres always something there. We have had so many ups and downs in our relationship. I don’t want to say I am in love with him. Mostly because it might not be true. But then again something tells me it is.
My friend, M, moved here at the beginning of Junior year. We have become extremely close. I tell her everything. I thought she told me everything too. Lately I’ve noticed there are a lot of things she keeps quiet about which kinda concerns me. So my ex started to get friendly with her. Whenever someone asked if she liked him she would lie and say no of course not. This went on for a while.
After a soccer game one night I asked him if he wanted to sneak out. It was late and I was drunk. He said yes. We hooked up and then he stopped. He was talking to this other girl who’s not my friend. He said this wasn’t fair of her and he got very mad at me. I was unaware that they were talking. The next day I wasn’t as upset. I told my friends about the hook up including M because I thought she didn’t have feelings for him. That week she pulled me aside after cheer practice and told me that they both like each other and were going to try something. I thought I was over him so I said go for it. They hooked up a few times but of course I hear it from everyone else who isn’t her.
A couple weeks later she starts to get nervous that he likes our other best friend A. A thinks so too. They have been talking as friends also but he started to get flirty. My friend A realizes this and asks him what the fuck is going on. He lost interest started liking A. I yelled at him for this because A felt like a shitty friend and he hurt M. He apologized to every one and everything was fine. He wanted nothing to do with me because he thought I hated him and i called him an asshole. Him and A went back to being friends and i just found out him and M gradually were starting to get back to where they were. She didn’t tell us this. I guess me and him were neutral.
I saw him at a party. He was being especially nice to me. He gave me a beer and offered to walk me home. We were walking home and I hugged him I dont know why. I was pretty drunk. I kissed me. I kissed him back. We kept walking until we got to the corner of my street. We sat down and talked for a while. We kissed more. He kept saying “We are going to regret this in the morning.” “We shoudln’t be doing this you arent my girlfriend” and “If you loved me things would be different” He wanted to leave. I tried to get him to stay. I said fine started crying and started to walk to rest of the way to my house. He ran after me and wiped the tears off my face and asked me why I was crying. I didn’t know. We kissed more until he said again you should leave. I went inside and then he called me to come back out. I did and we kissed more.
That night just brought up old feelings that I didnt realize were still there. I started thinking about a serious relationship with him and how badly I just wanted to try again. We were freshman the last time we did. Three years have passed things change. I was with my friend A and she was talking about him alot. My friends knew he walked me home but didnt know that he kissed me. I started to get the impression that she liked him too. I didnt know what to do.
I texted her later that night and asked her if she liked him. She said she didnt know but she thinks underneath yes she does. Which made me feel like a shitty friend. All of a sudden i couldnt get that night out of my mind. I really really wanted him. More than a lot of things. I explained to her everything that happened and everything I wanted. She said she was ok with it but I honestly cant tell. She said she cant really be hurt by this because of everything him and I have been through. She said I have to talk to him and M.
I texted him and asked if he regretted that night. He claims he doesnt remember anything that happened but i know thats bullshit. We talked it out and he said he thought I hated him and he wanted nothing to do with me but now things are different. I told him everything i wanted and everything that happened that night. He said it was a lot to take in that night. He was happy he just needed some time to think and i understood that.
I talked to M and she also said she was ok with it which was a complete lie which hurts me the most. She told another friend that she was a lot hurt then she would have told me. She said she wanted to hate me and A for going after him after knowing how she felt about him. A NEVER WENT AFTER HIM. I KNEW NOTHING. Also, M and my ex are in a fight now. She is planning on apologizing and explaining to him what she wants which is a serious relationship after I told her that I want one with him. She never expressed any of this to me.
I dont know how else to phrase it and i dont like phrasing it like this but he was mine first. He was. We have way more history than they will ever have. I think I love him. This isnt fair. Whenever we considered getting back together it only involved the two of us now its the four of us. I have to consider two mores peoples feelings. Does this make me a shitty friend? or does it make sense? If they end up in a relationship I dont think I can handle being friends with M. This would mean that she wasnt ever honest with me and she wasnt going to be honest until something actually happens. I told her EVERYTHING and apologized a million times.
This is my life. My ex boy friend. My two best friends. Some one is going to get hurt and I am not going to let it be me. He is either with me or none of them.
Does this make me selfish? crazy?
For some reason it makes sense to me. I am the one in the one telling the truth while everyone else is keeping their mouths shut.
A different A might be mad at me. Apparently her and this guy were talking since last wednesday. I didn’t know. On Saturday night my friend had a party. I was shoved un the trunk of the car with that guy. I was unaware that his hand had been in my pants for the first two minutes. I didn’t really want it but i let it happen. Then from my understanding we got dropped off at houses. He texted the other A and she went over to his house to hook up. Then he texted me to hook up. i did… She doesnt know that. I dont want anyone to know that. i dont even want to remember. She said she hasnt talked to him since. He hasnt texted her. I cant tell once again if its really fine or if she is upset with me for being in the trunk with him.
My OTHER friend M is mad at me. At my school we have open campus so seniors can leave. We had lab today so our lunch period was cut short. first M and I had french together so we were leaving together then we saw our friend B and invited her to g to starbucks with us fast. Other M i think is mad we left her.
So my life is a mess and everyone secretly hates me.